theres a picture tearin in the back of my head, i see it over and over

Here is one per-surgery picture. This was taken 1/31/08. The reason my sister is in the picture is because she is pregnant with her first child. So we thought it would be fun to show her growing and me shrinking... :D



There will be more to come. I plan to do a series in Polaroids so that I can track my transformation through those. and then there will be the digital pictures with my sister.

Currently I am feeling pretty good about everything. I have been having dreams though. Weird dreams. I have had dreams that I am eating when I am not suppose to. I have had dreams where being away from work has created hell for everyone. I have had dreams about not doing the surgery. None of the dreams have been good dreams.. usually I wake up freaking out that they actually happened. Like last night I had a dream that me and Lauren (hi lauren!) went to T.G.I.Fridays and our waitress sucked... and we ordered drinks and food and it took 2 hours to get and I freaked out on the staff there and we walked out without eating or drinking anything. But then I got home with her and remembered that I wasn't suppose to be eating and was glad that our food didn't come. I just remember being REALLY mad at T.G.I.Fridays for not bring us our food. I think I am expressing in my dreams my attachment to food. My sister said it best... people who smoke dont need smoking to live... you need food to live. And its true. Its hard to be addicted to something that I need for survival. ya know? My attachment to food is crazy. I realize this a lot when I am talking to my parents at night about how I just want to eat. I never say, dang I REALLY want an banana or some carrots. I always say, I want some Leann Chin, or I want so Grandpa Tony's. It never healthy food. Thats scary. I know that after surgery I will still be able to have these things but I am going to have to be really careful because there is no way I am going through all of this and not losing weight. This is it for me. I am done after this. My life from this moment on will never be dependent on food. Food will be there merely to survive and thats it. I am READY for this change.