this.is.me.now.

Your Unbelievable!

2008-08-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well. We all know by now. I DONT UPDATE THIS BLOG OFTEN.

I really have been a slacker and I am really sorry for that.

However, what it comes down to is that I haven't really had any issues. and not that having issues constitutes me updating the blog but I dont know how many more times I can say that everything is going great... ya know?

Really a lot has changed in the past couple months. This will be a good update.

Like I mentioned I really haven't had any issues. I have been feeling really great. AMAZING in fact. Since the last blog I have moved on to eatting "whatever" i want. I say whatever because i dont have to have it mashed or pureed. I can eat "whatever" within a certain guide lines. First being that I have to have my protien first. Making sure that I am getting to my magic number of grams of protien. Secondly I have to only eat about a 1/2 cup of protien and if I am still hungry I eat vegetables or fruit. Next I have to make sure that I stay away from sugary foods and also high in fat. Now that is pretty much common sense. Especially if I am eatting my protien first. I dont really have to worry much about that. NOW i do have to say there has been times where I have not focused on my protien as much as I should. BUT I would say that I do it the majority of the time.

I have really changed my whole mental state about eatting and I really think that this is the most important change I have made. I now look at food and think... this is how much you should eat... and you need to stop once you have eaten that amount... even though at times I think that I could eat more... I KNOW that i should stop. and thats it. This process is just mental. I really went into thinking it was physical... which is part of it... but definitely a small part of it. What I have had to do is re-train my thought processes and re-train everything I have ever done.

I have also added another vitamin to my pill case. I am not taking Vitamin D. Taking all these Vitamins is a lot of money but it is definitely necessary... and really it has become second nature to me. I dont think about it much.

One thing that worries me a bit is that I have times when I get really light headed. Usually these are days that I have not had enough water to drink. So I really think it just has to do with me taking a moment during my day to realize how much water I have had... and if I need to take more.

Exercise is something that I am still working on. I have just begun doing new exercises. I will walk/jog with my dog, I recently tried biking again, I also have done dance class. I think having a variaty of things to do is really important. It makes me feeling really good too. I never thought I would be able to say this... but exercising is the best form of stress relief.

I am still a tad bit worried about transfering my addiction of food to another but I really haven't seen anything that would worry me. SO THAT IS GOOD NEWS! I really have to keep that in check because I dont want to end up trading one addiction for another.

One thing that is hard to get used to is people not recognizing me. I know it just comes with the territory and really in the end it doesn't matter because in a weird way it kind of makes you feel good. BUT its a strange situation.... its like you dont know what to say. Like do you re-introduce yourself? or do you explain that you have lost all this weight?! I haven't quite figured out that part yet... but i suppose I will.

Sorry if this blog doesn't flow well.. i am just trying to get all the information down. ya know?

Well now for the measurement updates: (all of these were taken from the right side of my body)

Body part/Current Measurement/Total Down
Pinky / 2 1/4 inch / 1/4 inch
Ring / 2 1/2 inches / 1/2 inch
Middle / 2 1/2 inches / 1/2 inch
Pointer / 2 3/4 inches / 1/4 inch
Thumb / 2 3/4 inches / 1/4 inch
Wrist / 6 3/4 inches / 1 1/4 inch
Forearm / 10 inches / 2 1/2 inches
Bicep / 12 inches / 7 1/2 inches
Neck / 14 1/2 inch / 2 inches
Chin to Crown of head / 24 1/2 inches / 2 inches
Head / 23 inches / 1/2 inch
Bust / 42 inches / 8 1/2 inches
Under Bust / 38 inches / 6 inches
Waist / 33 1/2 inches / 14 1/2 inches
Hips / 40 1/2 inches / 11 1/2 inches
Thigh / 21 inches / 7 inches
Calf / 16 inches / 2 1/2 inches
Ankle / 10 inches / 1/2 inch
Foot / 9 1/2 inches / 1/2 inch
Weight / 183 pounds / 95 pounds

AMAZING. I am so happy that I have all this documented. It has been great to see the changes in measurements... but even more phone with pictures:

Before: (2/9/2008)

After: (8/23/08)

Before: (2/9/08)

After: (8/23/08)

Before: (2/9/08)

After: (8/23/08)

Me wearing clothes that fit: (8/23/08)

Just for fun: (8/23/08)

Do You Feel....

2008-04-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am going to start this blog off with a picture because I think pictures speak for themselves. This one definitely reflects how i feel and how things are going:

Amazing huh? Its still a bizarre feeling. People dont like when I use that word but its the best way to describe it. Its not meant to mean anything but just that its strange to feel this good and have things happen so quickly. I couldn't be happier. I just cant understand the machinics behind this whole process. I understand what I can do and have done to change my habits I just dont get how it works. I mean. Where does all the weight go? It can't just disappear. I know i know fat when burned turns into energy. But come on... I basically have lost as much as a 10 year old weights.

Well to update everything I probably should start with I am sorry. I am sorry for not keeping up this blog but its hard to write something when nothing "new" (besides the obvious) has happened. I really have been sticking to the program that Park Nicollet has laid out for me and it has be working fabulously. Currently I am on what they call soft food. Basically I am not suppose to eat anything that is tough or chewy. My stomach still will have a hard time breaking it down. I am still on very little portions. I eat any where from 3 tablespoons to 1/4 cup of food. Most of which has to be protien. If I am still hungry after that I am suppose to eat fruits and veggies. I still am suppose to have 3 8oz glasses of milk and tons of water between meals. Other things that I have been doing is taking all my pills. I have to take 1 multi-vitamin, 3 calcuim chewables, iron and vitamin C pills daily and then I take one b-12 pill once a week. So there are a lot of drugs to take but I will do whatever I have to do because anything is better then being over weight.

The hardest parts so far have been drinking all the necessary amounts of milk. I usually forget or I am just not "hungry" enough to drink them. And I say hungry because when I drink milk I get full and its like I ate a really big meal. I never thought I would see the day when I said that drinking milk makes me full. Before surgery I always thought people were crazy when they said they were full off of something small like that. haha. Now i know exactly what they mean.

The funniest part has been seeing what I can actually eat. I have this conversation a lot with people. Lets think of what i use to eat for breakfast: An 3 egg omelette with lots of ham and cheese, 2-3 slices of french toast with butter and syrup and probably 2-3 sausage links. Now this is what i eat for breakfast: 1 1/2 morning star sausages and maybe 1/2 of an egg scrambled. I just can't believe that I get full off of so little but I also can't believe that i used to eat that much.

I have found out a couple things that have been really hard for me:

1)Peoples perceptions of gastric bypass - Its intersting to listen to people talk about how they could never have the surgery but that its okay that I did it. I know that they are saying that whats right for me isn't right for them but I know some of these people are trying to say that they feel like i took the easy way out. Let me tell you if this is the easy way out I would hate to say the hard way. I dont know what so easy about having surgery and putting your body through hell and having to just figure every thing out on your own (basically). I knew I was going to have to deal with critics but it just gets old sometimes.
2)Peoples opinion of the food i eat. -Whether its someone telling me that to try this, or that "i am sure that you can have this" or "can you eat that" it tough. I know that people are asking me to try things because they want me to feel included but I get so sick of say "i cant". but on the flip side i have the people who instead of asking me tell me that I sure i could have something. No i cant and No I wont. I didn't go through all this to just go back to the way I used to be. Its hard for people to understand that I can't "sample" food or "taste" things. They think I am crazy for not.... but the fact is... that snacking leads to more snacking and bad food and I am not falling in that trap ever again. also.... then people always have to comment on what I am actually eatting. I know that some of them are watching out for me... but really I GOT IT. i know what I can eat, I know how much of it I can eat.... so lay off. I have it. Like i just stated... i didn't go through all this to fuck it up.
3)Being stressed out - I think that this may be the toughest part of them all. When I used to get really stressed out I would depend on food. I would go to it to relieve any stress or problem I had and I need to find something to replace it. What to repalce it with... i dont know. I need to make sure its something healthy. Maybe I will get addicted to exercising (unlikely). I just dont want to pick up a bad habit.
4)clothes. - This is a good and bad. a catch 22 if you will. NONE of my clothes fit.... and thats a good thing but I hate the idea of spending money on clothes that I know wont fit me in a couple months. But I can't bitch..... this is exactly what was suppose to happen ;)

For once feel like I am finally on the right path in life. I am doing something to better me and its working and I am going to make sure that it continues to work. This is definitelly not easy that is for sure. There are definitely going to be tough... and I am going to have to continuely work on it but I know that I can succeed. I will for sure hit some walls and obsticiles but I know I can over come them.

Well the following are new measurements (inches) and pictures:

R Pinky - 2 1/4 - No change
R Ring - 2 1/2 - No change
R middle - 2 3/4 - No change
R Pointer - 2 3/4 - down 1/8
R Thumb - 2 3/4 - down 1/8
R Wrist - 7 - down 1/2
R Forearm - 11 - down 1
R Bicep - 14 - down 2
Neck - 15 - down 3/4
Chin/Crown - 25 1/2 - down 1/2
Head - 23 - No Change
Bust - 45 - down 4
Under Bust - 39 - down 3 1/2
Waist - 42 - down 4
Hip/Butt - 46 - down 4
R Thigh - 23 - down 4
R Calf - 17 - down 1
R Ankle - 10 - No Change
R Foot - 9 1/2 - No Change
Weight - 215.4 - down 63.2

Before: (take 2/9/08)

After: (taken 4/30/08)

Before: (taken 2/9/08)

After: (taken 4/30/08)

Before: (taken 2/9/08)

After: (taken 4/30/08)

So thats it for now. I will try and get better at this. I swear. Thanks for reading. Love you all!!

Opps... I did it again.

2008-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

Opps. I = Suck at bloggin.

I know that I probably should have updated this a bit more in the time that I was off. But my body and mind were more tired then I thought. Well. lets get on to the update.

Well it has been almost 5 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling pretty good. The 4 weeks off from work were great! The time was necessary for me. It made me figure out a game plan for when I did go back to work. It also helped me figure out what things I should be eatting and how I should be eatting it. Besides i got some one on one bonding time with my new pup Eli!! I returned to work last week on the 10th. That went as good as expected. I got back into the swing of things pretty quickly and I got such a warm welcome back! It was great seeing everyone after so long. I really didn't realize how much I missed those people. I sometimes think my job isn't what I want (and usually that is true) but I really love everyone I work with. Since being back at work there have been a million (of the same) questions... but I am not sick of them yet. I know that at some point I will probably get really sick of it but what can you do. Everyone is just trying to be supportive! I did notice that at the end of my work days, especially in the beginning of the week, I have been super swollen and soar. On monday I had so much to do but my co-worker made me leave knowing that I was in a little bit of pain. Its also nice having that support to, everyone knows that I am going to have to take things slowly at first and knowing that they have my back no matter what is really nice.

I have had times of feeling sick but I dont think it was from anything I ate. I think that its probably my body telling me its hungry.. or something ... because it is usually right when I wake up or around the time I am suppose to eat. I haven't had any other issues that I can tell. Everything really does seem to be going to plan.

So far the toughest part for me is getting my milk in. I just didn't have the time, or I would forget, or I just wasn't feeling empty enough for it. Other then that, starting on the 7th I got cleared to take all my vitamins, calcuim and B-12 pills. Luckily for me I have a pill box otherwise I would never remember to take them. Its nice to have everything laid out for me on a daily basis, especially now since I am back at work.

The things I have found out about what I can eat.... hmm. Well I have been sicking pretty strickly to what PN has planned out for me in the book. I really dont want to push it quite yet. I think that is the best way to do things. I figured by the time May rolls around (when I can have more solid food) it will be that much more rewarding to have other things. I would say that most of what I eat is refriend beans w/sour lean, reduced fat cheese and salsa, shreaded chicked w/ lite mayo, salt, pepper and garlic powder, cottage cheese, and yogurt. I have been also trying to add a tablespoon of fruit or veggies. I haven't had any problems with either yet. I have tried corn, avocados, bananas and pears... and none have given me any issues. I have only tried a couple things mostly because it takes me forever to get through one can and usually I have to throw away a lot of things.

The hardest part still is the temptation of things. I have REALLY badly wanted toast... so bad. And tacos. I think the reason I am having these cravings is because I can't have any carbs. After talking to a friend who had surgery she suggested reduced fat cheese-itz. those have really helped when I am looking for carbs or something crunchy. But other then the cheese-itz I havent tried much else. Booze has been around but not in my mouth yet. I am seriously nervous to even try and drink. Not only because I am scared how its going to affect me drunkeness wise but also because I dont know what to drink because of what in it. Thinking about alcoholic drinks they are mostly sugar and carbination. Unless I drink things straight up... i might have some kind of problem with the drink. The sugar and carbination in pop can affect me, the sugar in the booze can affect me, its all a game. Maybe I will try wine to start with ... but I dont think that is going to be for a while.

Worries that I have been having lately haven't really been about the surgery or food its about things that are coming down the line mentally. A lot of what you hear about people who have had gastric bypass surgery are that they transfer the addictions from food to another thing. I know that it doesn't happen to all of them and I hope that since I know that now that it wont happen to me. But I worry about everything... and this is a legatimate worry. I dont want to transfer one bad habit to another. I can't let it happen. I am finally getting on track with this. I dont think I will become a smoker or alcoholic or a gambler ... but there is always that chance. Another thing that I have been worrying about is my hair falling out. Usually around 3 months post surgery, GB patients hair usually falls out due to lack of nuterition. There really isn't anything that can prevent it. The best I can do is remember to take my daily pills and eat as much protien as possible. The positive is that my hair will grow back eventually... or I will just have my super awesome stylist Jen work her magic and make my new hair into something that will work. The other thing that I have been worried about mentally is actually remembering things. I dont know why it happens to GB patients but they tend to have their memory go to the shitter after surgery. Probably has to do something with nuteriates not being absorbs as usual and the lack of carbs (brain food). I dont want to struggle with remembering things I have to do. I suppose I could manage by writting everything down or maybe doing those brain teaser games every day to make sure I keep my mind active.... but who knows if that will actually help.

Other then those things, there really hasn't been much going on. I am really feeling wonderful. I know this blog really isn't that insightful but I honestly I am feeling great!

here are updated measurements and pictures:

r pinky - 2 1/2 inches = Same
r ring - 2 1/2 inhces = down 1/4 inch
r middle - 2 3/4 inches = down 1/4 inch
r pointer - 2 7/8 inches = down 1/8 inch
r thumb - 2 7/8 inches = down 1/8 inch
r wrist - 7 1/2 inches = down 1/2 inch
r forearm - 12 inches = down 1/2 inch
r bicep - 16 inches = down 1/2
neck - 15 3/4 inches = down 3/4
chin to crown of head - 26 inches = down 1/2 inches
head - 23 inches = down 1/2 inch
bust - 49 1/2 inches = down 2 inches
under bust - 42 1/2 inches = down 1 1/2 inches
waist - 46 inches = down 2 inches
hip/butt - 50 inches = down 2 inches
r tight - 27 inches = down 1 inch
r calf - 18 inches = down 1/2 inch
r ankle - 10 inches = down 1/2 inch
r foot - 9 1/2 inches = down 1/2 inch
weight - 245.6 ibs = down 33 ibs

before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

I am stronger then yesterday

2008-02-17T17:34:00.000-08:00

Wow. Well. It’s done. I am no longer how I was born. I am changed. Though I KNOW I have physically altered my body, I don’t feel it (besides the pain I have been in). I still feel like the same Alicia. Though, the reason I might not be feeling it is because I am still on the clear liquid diet. However, I think on this post side of surgery it is easier, I do feel fuller and more satisfied. I am still missing the feeling of eating though.

About surgery. I was basically on the verge of tears the whole car ride. I drove there with my Aunt Theresa with my parents and Erica closely following. Aunt Theresa did her best to keep my mind off the surgery though not trying to let on that she was trying to keep my mind off of surgery. It was good though. We laughed, talked, and the funniest thing is ... I don’t really remember what we talked about. All I know is that it really helped whatever it was. I arrived at Methodist hospital at about 8:30. Nerves were high. I think mostly it was the unknown that was freaking me out. I had never had major surgery. I had never gone under. Tina met us at the hospital, it was great to have her (and everyone's) support. Tina is 4 years out from gastric bypass and has kept it all or most of her weight off since then! She truly the sole person I looked to for MANY of my answers during this process and I don’t know what I would do without her. After getting checked in I had to go to the lab to get some blood drawn. Then, I sat with my family for a while and talked. Mostly about things... again... I do not remember. Being brought up to pre-surgery area was tough. I was fighting back tears the whole time. Still thinking about it, it makes me nervous. I got changed and then my nurses came to get me ready for surgery. Though I drank a ton of water the night before surgery, they still had a hard time finding a vain for the IV. Other than that it was just a lot of questions being asked and papers to be signed. Then the family and friends came up to say goodbye. Everyone was so supportive and positive which really helped. But I was crying like a baby. Erica, Aunt Theresa and Dad were the first to come (I had so many people they had to send them up in waves). All 3 of them told me not to worry and just gave me kisses and touches that made me calm down a little bit. Dr. Svendsen (my surgeon) came in an explained what he was going to do during surgery; I understood most of it through my tears! Mom and Tina were the last people to leave the pre-op area. Mom was nervous, I could tell. She was telling the nurses everything under the sun about what problems she has with anesthesia but... hey she is my mom, that is what she is suppose to do! Tina knew everything was going to be great and having the solid rock there was what I needed. Once I said goodbye to mom and Tina, it was time to go to the surgery room. I had stopped crying by this time, so that was good. Going into the room was a bit bizarre. I am being wheeled in on a bed, and all I can see is the ceiling, and then I get wheeled into this really white and bright room and all these people with masks are introducing themselves to me and I am thinking... crap.... its bright. I couldn't think of anything else. It was kind of humorous. But then things got serious. I moved from my bed to the table where they were going to operate and the anesthesiologist came over to me to get me the anesthesia. She tells me to breath in, and I do it, she tells me to breath in again, and I do it, and then she tells me one last time, take a big breath in, and from there, I don’t remember anything. Pretty weird feeling. From there I woke up in the post op area. What I remember is pretty vague. I know I was pretty whiney. I remember not liking my post op nurse because she wasn't very nice. Also, I can remember being really uncomfortable. I believe I was in the post-op area for about an hour and a half. I still was really out of it though; I got wheeled to my room where my lovely family and friends were waiting. I remember saying some things but I don’t remember everything. I do however remember Erica talking a picture of me.... brat. (See below)

From there the next 3 nights/4 days I spent in the hospital. I was only supposed to be there for 2 nights / 3 days. I was having problems with not keeping myself hydrated and I was also having trouble with getting sick a lot. Obviously I have the same reactions to anesthesia like my mom and sister. Boo. But the people were really nice. Everyone made me feel comfortable though I wasn't most the time.

I have been out of the hospital now for 2 1/2 days. Today is the first day I am feeling good. I haven't had to take any of my liquid pain meds and I have been feeling over all like me! So that is nice. Hence, why I am writing this blog. It’s the first time I have felt up to doing anything! So that is a positive sign. I am still on my clear liquid diet, which is tough. But after my post op on 2/19 I will be able to move on to full liquids, which are things with flavor!! wo wo! :D

Thanks again to everyone for all the cards, presents, support and love. I couldn't have made it through this without everyone! I love you all!

The sexiness that is me after surgery.... thanks erica!:

I need you right now...

2008-02-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Tomorrows the day. Surgery day. Bizarre. Crazy. I feel like it came so quick. I dont even know what I really feel yet. I think right now I am just so full of liquids that I feel like I could explode. Everything today with the bowel prep went good and wasn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be... but then again I dont really have anything in me to have come out. Meh. Other then that, i am a little hungry, today was clear liquids only. It was tough but I have made it. I feel like i should be more nervous then I am right now. Right now I just am ready. I am ready for everything. Please keep sending all your well wishes and love and support...i will need it for tomorrow. I will post a blog as soon as I can after the surgery, i will be there until Thursday, and depending on how I feel, it might take me a couple more days to get online. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE. i love you very much.

36-24-36

2008-02-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

Measurements pre-surgery:

right pinky finger: 2 1/2 inches

right ring finger: 2 3/4 inches

right middle finger: 3 inches

right pointer finger: 3 inches

right thumb: 3 inches

right wrist: 8 inches

right forearm: 12 1/2 inches

right bicep: 19 1/2 inches

neck: 16 1/2 inches

chin to crown of head: 26 1/2 inches

head circumference: 23 1/2 inches

bust: 51 1/2 inches

under bust: 44 inches

waist: 48 inches

hips/butt: 52 inches

right thigh: 28inches

right calf: 18 1/2 inches

right ankle: 10 1/2 inches

right foot: 10 inches

weight: 278.6

Pre Surgery Pictures:

Front:

Side:

back:

theres a picture tearin in the back of my head, i see it over and over

2008-02-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

Here is one per-surgery picture. This was taken 1/31/08. The reason my sister is in the picture is because she is pregnant with her first child. So we thought it would be fun to show her growing and me shrinking... :D

There will be more to come. I plan to do a series in Polaroids so that I can track my transformation through those. and then there will be the digital pictures with my sister.

Currently I am feeling pretty good about everything. I have been having dreams though. Weird dreams. I have had dreams that I am eating when I am not suppose to. I have had dreams where being away from work has created hell for everyone. I have had dreams about not doing the surgery. None of the dreams have been good dreams.. usually I wake up freaking out that they actually happened. Like last night I had a dream that me and Lauren (hi lauren!) went to T.G.I.Fridays and our waitress sucked... and we ordered drinks and food and it took 2 hours to get and I freaked out on the staff there and we walked out without eating or drinking anything. But then I got home with her and remembered that I wasn't suppose to be eating and was glad that our food didn't come. I just remember being REALLY mad at T.G.I.Fridays for not bring us our food. I think I am expressing in my dreams my attachment to food. My sister said it best... people who smoke dont need smoking to live... you need food to live. And its true. Its hard to be addicted to something that I need for survival. ya know? My attachment to food is crazy. I realize this a lot when I am talking to my parents at night about how I just want to eat. I never say, dang I REALLY want an banana or some carrots. I always say, I want some Leann Chin, or I want so Grandpa Tony's. It never healthy food. Thats scary. I know that after surgery I will still be able to have these things but I am going to have to be really careful because there is no way I am going through all of this and not losing weight. This is it for me. I am done after this. My life from this moment on will never be dependent on food. Food will be there merely to survive and thats it. I am READY for this change.

Hungry as fuck... Hungry as fuck...

2008-02-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

As I drink my 5th glass of carnation instant breakfast for the day, and my 25th glass in a total of 5 days I felt I need to vent because I am about to eating my arm off. This is tough, so tough. Its not that I am physically hungry (though there are moments where I feel like I am starving), its more like I am missing the physical action of eat, the hand to mouth motion, the chew, the swallowing. Its tough... very tough. On day one of this I didn't honestly think I was going to be able to live off of liquids. I really thought that I would actually die. However, obviously I am writing this, so I am not dead. Now, I just feel like I am going to go insane if I don't eat .... but I am staying strong... and not caving in. Though.. everything and anything sounds better then carnation instant breakfast. I have craved everything. And the hardest part is not satisfying that craving. I have tried to "eat" other things. I have had jello and popsicles... which has helped some but I still want something with substance. Its a really weird feeling. I am also feeling the withdrawal mentally. Its not that its like a drug withdrawal... were you are fixated on satisfying that craving... its more like I am tired and I can't remember anything. I don't know if this is because I am not getting the nutrients that I normally do or if I am completely making it up.... but I feel like I haven't slept this good in a long time... but I also feel like I can't remember anything. What has been getting me through this time is that I have chosen to do this, I decided to do it and I am the one who has to go through it. If I want to succeed this is what I HAVE to do... and besides, if I can make it through this... I can make it through anything. An upside to this .... I have lost 7+ pounds in 5 days!! haha :D

Beauty in the breakdown

2008-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my first official breakdown through out this whole process. I dont know what hit me yesterday whether it was starting the liquid diet and being food deprived or knowing that I am only 10 days away from a huge surgery that will forever change my life or whata. But it hit me hard. I was talking with my dad about what he though of the surgery and what he thought about me doing the surgery and he expresses some concern that any parent would. He however said that he is behind me 100% and that he will support me no matter what. I am not doubting my decision to do this... but how do I know that i am making the correct decision. All the emotion came pouring out at the moment. At the time I felt like it was just all nerves and that I was feeling like this is bigger then I thought it was going to be. I think particially I need a release like that because I have been putting on this confident front. But now that I have time to reflect a little bit I think it was acutally me looking for confirmation that I was doing the right thing. I wanted my parents to tell me that this was going to fix everything. And much to my disliking they didn't. They both told me that they support me and that they are going to be there for me. Thats okay thought because what I have figured out is that I will never know if this decision is right for me until I do it. If I dont do it... then I will always wonder what could've been. I am starting to feel okay with this. Though right now I am starving... liquids day 2 has been hard but... it should get easier from here on out... at least I hope!

though I know this is blog is all about my surgery.. i need to throw this in there... YAY GIANTS!! You played the game of your life and you succeed against everyones doubt. CONGRATS!

Here I go, here I go...

2008-02-02T00:59:00.000-08:00

Well. All is said and done with the pre-surgery items. I have gone threw all the tests, all the blood drawings, all the advice, and my exams.... up next is surgery. As my last "normal" day it was a bit strange. Strange to think that I am going to be on liquids for the next 21 days and survive. Its bizzare. I kind of lived it up today... eating pretty much everything and drinking. :D The following is my final day from start to finish:

1)Wake up late.
2)Get a large white chocolate mocha from caribou.
3)I ate a pop tart
4)Worked in clinic
5)went to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch. I ate some avacado egg rolls, hawaiian pizza, and drank some lemonade.
6)went to my pre-op exam
7)came home and took a nap
8)woke up and got ready for a night out on the town
9)Picked up laura and headed to T.G.I.Fridays. We had Nacho's and I ate a Jack Daniels Pulled Pork Sandwhich with French Fries. And a Rasp/Cherry Margarita.
10)Drove to bootleggers. Drank..... A)Pineapple upside down cake shot. B) Vodka Collins. C) Applesauce shot
11) came home and typed this blog

all and all it was a good night. And I really feel like this isn't going to be my last time doing these things but it will be a while until i do them. Its so worth it. I think it was fitting that I went to bootleggers as my last night out for a while... its the bar of all bars .... its where we go and what we do.. it felt right. I had a damn good time.

Tonight I told Laura that I feel like losing this weight is going to be hard to adjust to. Part of me is excited for people not being able to recognize me and part of me is bothered by it. I think my issue is... i am so sick of always being the fat girl. The girl who is there but isn't there all at the same time. I will no longer be able to hide behind my size... i will have to face everything. I will have to face people. and that makes me nervous. For whatever reason it freaks me out that people will actually pay attention to me... its has been so easy to just cop out and say... whatever, i am the fat girl... then have to deal with people. Also, nothing is ever expected when you hide behind something like weight. Its going to be a HUGE adjustment. I worry a lot. this is going to make to have to stop doing that.... man. This is going to be the hardest but best thing that has ever happened to me. There are so many things going through my head but no way to type them all out.

Right now what has been tough is listing to what people think. I haven't told barely anyone. I didn't want to tell anyone because it was my decision but now that it has come to the 11th hour... its time to let people know and it has been interesting to see what people think. People at work have been nothing but supportive (most of them anyway). I work with a great group of people. They have really made me feel comfortable and okay with my decision to do this surgery and take the time off for this surgery. Most of my family and friends have supported me. The debate came up tonight about 1)What if I fail at this and 2)Do I actually KNOW what i am doing. Its hard to be 100% positive on everything. NO i have never done this before but YES i know the risks and the problems that can come from this. What i have been telling peopel is that I REFUSE to fail... and I am going to do EVERYTHING possible to make sure I succeed. And YES I do know what i am doing to my body. I am doing something that I can never change back. EVER. whats i do this I will never have a normal stomach again. Its a big decision and I will have deal with what ever happens as it comes.. there is nothing I can change once i have the surgery and i WILL be doing this... not matter what.

Next up is the infamous liquid diet. Starting tomorrow I will be drink nothing but water, sugar-free drinks, high protein drinks like SlimFast and Ensure and Carnation instant breakfast with skim milk. Crazy. I am going to lose soo much weight in these next couple days it will be crazy.

...its now or never...

2008-01-27T20:08:00.000-08:00

Well one appointment down and 1 to go. I went to my nutritionist appointment to learn all the things i will need to do before surgery and for the first month after surgery. Pre-surgery, starting Feb 2nd, I am going to be on an all liquid diet. Now, its not just liquids like water and milk but close to it. I am suppose to follow a high-protein liquid diet. This is to help prepare for surgery so that Dr. Svendsen (my surgeon) can have more room in my stomach to move around his tools. The instructions for the high-protein liquid diet are as follows:

- Drink 8 ounces at a time 5 or 6 times a day. (these replace the solid foods i would normally eat)
- Between "meals" i can have unsweetened and artificially sweetened beverages.
- High-protein beverage's i have to choose from are: 1)Skim Milk 2)Skim Milk with Carnation Instant Breakfast. 3) Canned nutritional supplements like Boost, Ensure, or Slim fast
- Unsweetened and artificially sweetened beverages I can have are 1)Water 2)Coffee 3) Tea 4) Broth or bouillon 5) Sugar-Free Kool-Aid 6) Propel 7) Fruit2O 8)Crystal Light

Its crazy to think that I am going to be able to live off of all liquid for 10 days. It seems completely unachievable but i suppose everyone has to do this. Like I said earlier the reason I have to do this is to prepare my body for surgery. This will help Dr. Svendsen do the surgery laproscopicly and not have to make a huge incision on my stomach... weighing my options... i am okay with this. Now I have had friends tell me to live it up these last couple days and go to my favorite restaurants because I wont be able to have it for a while. Though I have been indulging a little bit I don't want to go crazy. I am ready for this change. I am ready to make this change and I feel like if I were to go to all my favorite restaurants and over eat I would be taking a step back instead of a step forward.

After surgery I will be in the hospital for 2 days where i will be still having only liquids. They will have tablespoons of liquid for me to drink and I will be full.

After surgery, starting on 2/14/08 I will continue with liquids. I will be sipping throughout the day surgery free or artificially sweetened drinks. The recommend things are juices (apple, white-grape, cranberry and pear), broth, sugar-free gelatin, sugar-free Popsicles and sugar-free non-carbonated beverages (like crystal light and sugar-free kool-aid), water, tea and coffee. The recommend amount I have its 4 to 6 ounces every hour. I am suppose to stay on this diet until i go in for my first post-operative appointment which is on 2/19/08.

Starting on 2/20/08 i will be on the full liquid diet for 3 days (if you are counting, i will be on an all liquid/full liquid diet for 21 days, 3 weeks!!!). Full liquids are things that are creamy like tomato soup, creamed soups (without chunky bits of food), skim milk, custard, smooth cooked cereals (Cream of wheat, cream of rice, or malt-o-meal) and smooth yogurt (without fruit bits). While also maintaining drinking calorie-free clear liquids and milk between my meals. The sample meal plan they give me is:

7 am - 2 tablespoons of Cream of Wheat (yes tablespoons... really)

8 am - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, trying to drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes

9 am - 8 ounces skim milk (Milk is VERY important to drink to keep me full between meals)

10 am - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, trying to drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes, finishing this by 11 am (the reason for this is because I am not suppose to have anything to drink 30 minutes before and after every meal. I can't drink with my meals also. The reason I can't do this is because it will wash the food out of my pouch and i will not get the feeling of being satisfied)

11 am - 2 tablespoons smooth yogurt

12:30 pm - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, trying to drink 2 ounce every 15 minutes

2 pm - 8 ounces skim milk

3 pm - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, trying to drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes, finish by 5:30

6 pm - 2 tablespoons cream soup

7 pm - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, trying to drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes.

8:30 pm - 8 ounces skim milk

9:30 pm - additional water or calorie-free beverages

now as you can see there is VERY little food and A LOT of liquid. Its is important to drink milk because it will not only give me the protein i need but it will also keep me satisfied. The reason for having calorie-free beverages is because I have to keep myself hydrated. This diet I will keep doing until 2/23/08.

Starting on 2/23/08 I am going to begin the pureed diet until 3/11/08. Continuing with the smooth theme. Like Cream of Rice, Cream of Wheat, yogurt, canned refried beans (fat-free), applesauce, homemade pureed meets. They also say I can have baby food... mmm.. i will have to keep track of which ones are good and pass on the information to baby buster. This is also when I start taking multivitamin/mineral supplements daily (chewable). The pureed food is basically browned fresh ground turkey or chicken that gets blended with broth or milk. Nothing seasoned. just plain. the sample meal plan:

7 am - 2 tablespoons smooth yogurt & 1 tablespoon cream of wheat.

8 am - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes.

9 am - 8 ounces skim milk

10 am - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes, finishing by 11:00 am.

11:30 am - 2 tablespoons pureed turkey or chicken & 1 tablespoon fat-free refried beans.

12:30 pm - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes.

2 pm - 8 ounces skim milk

3 pm - 8 ounces of water or calorie-free beverages, drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes finishing by 5:30 pm.

6 pm - 2 tablespoons pureed turkey or chicken & 1 tablespoon yogurt

8:30 pm - 8 ounces skim milk

9:30 pm - additional water or calorie-free beverages.

This is just for the first month after surgery. there are still a couple phases left. however, we have not gone over those quite yet. The funny thing is when I was reading through these meal plans... i was like dang that is a lot of food, i am going to need to go to the grocery store weekly and then i looked closer and realized that i am going to be eating tablespoons of food. I wont be going through that much food at all. One small container of yogurt is going to last me all day! hahaha. wow. bizarre.

My emotions/feelings towards surgery are still the same. I am feeling very excited. I still can't believe that this is going to happen! I feeling like I have my life in front of me. The hardest part is dealing with what people are going to think about me. I haven't told me many people that i am doing this. Its not that I didn't want to share it with people, its that i didn't want to share it with people until I made my mind up and I had my surgery date set. I wanted to make sure that I made this decision by myself.... for myself. It was a huge deal when I finally decided. Though I knew I was doing it, it was still hard to tell people and listen to what they had to say. I am not saying it was right to hide it from people but it wasn't their decision to make.... it was mine and I have the right to do what I want. Hopefully people are just going to support me.

Well up next is my pre-operative physical on 2/1/08 and then I start my liquid diet on 2/2/08. Hopefully soon these blogs will have pictures so that I can track the changes in my body. My blogging with show my mental state and emotional change and the pictures will help me visually see the changes.

signing off for now. lata.

... trying to find a balance ... trying to build a balance.

2008-01-24T18:45:00.000-08:00

More of my story. I have been over weight all my life (man that sounds so generic). I have struggled to lose weight just to gain it back. After fighting the bulge for a couple years I started to look into surgical options. I went to a seminar on gastric bypass in 2006 and ultimately decided that it wasn't for me. I tried weight watchers again, lost and then gained back all the weight. Then when gastric bypass came up in conversation with a fellow co-worker, I started researching it. I went to another seminar and here we are. My feelings changed the 2nd look around, for whatever reason, everything felt right. I felt like this was my answer, this was going to help me lead a healthier life, I was going to be able to do things that I never have before and for once in my life I was going to be able to fix the one thing I hated the most, the one thing I can barely stand to say I am, the thing that controls me, i was going to be able to lose the weight and keep it off. And that... is where I am today. Preparing for the rest of my life....

So Far what I have had to go through is: gastric bypass information seminar (times 2), gastric bypass knowledge test, psychic tests, personality tests, blood tests, meetings with my nurse practitioner, physical therapy, nutritionist appointments, and meeting with the surgeon to discuss surgery. Up next for me is: pre-surgery nutritionist appointment, pre-operative exam, and then surgery. As you can see, I am almost there. It has been a long process but ultimately i feel like in the end it will all be worth it. I have been doing this since 9/4/07... my surgery is 2/12/08... so by the time I have my surgery it will be a little over 5 months. The gastric bypass process to set up surgery takes a while but in the scope of things, this is going to be a process for the rest of my life. I am going to always have to take vitamin supplements, i am going to always have to watch what i eat, i am going to always have to exercise, i am going to always have to go to the doctor, so by no means is this process limited to the pre-surgery information, this is about the long haul for me.

Well tomorrow is another milestone in this process. In the morning I have an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss what will happen after surgery.

more to come at a later time. :D

... i wont give up on you

2008-01-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

word on the street is when you are going through a dramatic change or experience in your life that you are suppose to document it. Now. This usually is an experience that you want to share with other people due to the abundance of knowledge that people can gain from you and said experience, hence the new addition of my blog to the world. I dont have much knowledge nor am I a great writer but I do know that I want to document what I consider my "life changing experience" and if someone were to stumble upon this blog and learn something from it, then that is just the icing on the cake.

The "life changing experience" that is about to happen to me is I am going to have gastric bypass surgery. I am sure that I will get into more detail about everything in later blogs but getting to this point in my life has been quite the struggle. I am so excited to know that I have my whole life in front of me and that the opprotunities are going to be endless.

This is just a starter entry to introduce what this blog is going to be about. I am sure that whoever reads this is going to hear and see a lot more then they want to know about me... but... hey you could learn something from it... right?